To All My Readers
by sweet-and-simple
Summary: Oh, crap, it's another high school fic!  But, hey, the Fangirls are an organized group of terror?  Geez...  KibaHina NejiTen Gaalee SasuNaru ShikaChou
1. You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Cry

New school.

_Joy_.

Naruto felt the stares on him like flies on shit. It wasn't bad enough he had a cold on his first day, he also _had_ to have his first day halfway through the year and now… now he's just an oddity _again_. It hadn't been a challenge enough in elementary school when he had had to tell people that _no_, he wasn't half-fox, no, not then.

The stares intensified into glares. He shuddered and ducked around a corner, hoping like _fuck_ his locker was there. It turned out to be the B wing.

His locker, and homeroom, was in the D wing.

"Where's a guide when you need one…" He scratched his cheek, scratched the back of his head, looked around for a sign, _any_ sign, and ended up staring at a blown up picture of what had to be the school's soccer team. Two of the guys had been situated in front of everyone else so that it was _somewhat_ obvious they were the most important while making sure none of the rest of the team got insulted.

Naruto knew how that went; he'd been part of the basketball team at his old school. He'd gone from the back row to focus point in two years.

The one on the right had blue-black hair and really dark eyes, looking at the camera as if he'd be bored even if the world caught on fire. On the left was a guy a few inches shorter, soccer ball posed beneath his shoe, arms crossed, with shaggy red hair and oppositely pale eyes.

Naruto tried to find a smile somewhere in the poster. It was damn pitiful when he couldn't find one.

"Good morning, new student!"

"Gah!" That explained where his guide was. "Geez, don't sneak up on me like that!"

"Gosh, forgive me! I never meant to frighten you, I, I am so embarrassed… As punishment, I shall run thirty extra laps at practice today! … Or would you like to try and startle me back?" The boy tilted his head curiously at him. His huge black eyes widened even more and Naruto kind of thought…

Maybe…

That this kid was trying to be _cute_.

"Uh, no, it's good… Some warning would be good next time, though!"

"Yosh! Understood, Nnn…" he held up his schedule. Only then did the blonde realize that he had been bamboozled of his possessions and that they were held carefully in the guy's one arm. "Naruto Uzumaki! I feel we're going to be good friends, don't you? It must be the spring day, spring always brings the mood up! Ah, you're locker is in the D wing, hm, why are you all the way over here? No matter! As a newcomer, some leeway is necessary! Come! I'll help you get settled in!"

"Uhhh…"

"Yes?" He tweaked expressive eyebrows at him, walking (more like running) down the hall with Naruto forced to follow behind. The guy had a pretty strong grip on his wrist, there was no getting free.

"You mind introducing yourself?"

He stopped so suddenly, Naruto slammed into his back. "Of course! How rude of me, please, my name is Lee Rock! It's a pleasure to meet you, Naruto."

His hand was crushed by Lee's. He hid it well behind a strained smile. "Yeah, y-you too."

"Yosh! Now we're off, two friends on the bloom, to find where you belong in this great jungle of a school! If there is anything you would like to know, don't hesitate to ask, I will answer any question you have!"

"Any question?"

"Yes!"

"Are you on any pills, Lay?"

"It's _Lee_, and, no, I'm not. Good question, however! No such thing as a stupid question, I've been asked that question often!"

"Are you _sure_, Lie?"

"_Lee_. And, yes, I'm sure."

"Mind if I just call you Bushybrow? I can remember that 'cause of, uh…"

Those expressive eyebrows twitched. "Because of what?"

"H-hey, what's going on over there?" He had never before been so happy to see a mob in school.

"Gosh, they must be fighting again!"

"Who?"

Lee looked at him slowly with an air of trepidation so thick around him Naruto forgot to breathe. "The _Fangirls_."

"Huh? Who're the fangirls?"

"No! Not the 'fangirls', the 'Fangirls'. Can't you hear the capital F? They're an organized group of admirers."

"Geez, what are they fangirls of? _Fine_, Fangirls," he corrected quickly when Lee opened his mouth.

"That is difficult to say, there are branches within the Fangirls… But if I must, I would say a large number of them admire the two start soccer players!" _Of course_.

Naruto thought back to the two guys who had looked about as entertained as corpses. "What's so interesting about them?"

Lee hummed thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose Sasuke is aesthetically pleasing."

"Sasuke?"

"Yosh! Sasuke is – "

"You don't know who _my husband_ is?" snarled a feminine voice and suddenly the mob as one being turned towards them.

"_Your_ husband?" barked someone else, but that one person was drowned out by the sheer mass of "he belongs to _me_, bitch!"

Naruto and Lee took a hasty step back as a shirt went flying, then pants, then someone's panties. Naruto gawked. Wait, _panties_? What the hell were they doing in there?

"Halt!"

"Gah! Oh…" He blinked at the two girls behind him. One had bubblegum pink hair and the other blindingly yellow. Not blonde, not brunette, not even _white_, but it was _yellow_. No way were they natural hair colors. "Uh, what's up?"

Lee very carefully tugged him behind him, putting him closer to the mob and yet the feeling of hostility was actually dimmer from where he stood now.

"Sexual preference!" hissed the two girls in unison, badges on their left breast directly over their hearts saying:

_CO-CAPTAINS_

_of_

_SASUKE FANCLUB_

"What kind of question is that?"

Lee nudged him. "Just say straight."

"But I'm – …" Lee's eyes bugged at him, he flushed, and then a flash of understanding went through his huge eyes. He shook his head and gave the two girls a very wary look before glancing back at him, the message clear. _Just say straight_. "I like chicks, believe it!"

"For your sake, we're going to," growled the blonde.

The pinkette took out a picture and shoved it in Naruto's face. It took a moment for him to come into focus and when it did he had to fight back a blush.

"Could you turn gay for Sasuke Uchiha?"

How'd they get a picture of the soccer player _naked_? Naruto gulped. "Hell no! Geez, take that, that, uh… Take that out of my face, gorgeous!"

Lee patted him on the back. _Well done_.

"How about… this man!" The blonde took a turn to shove a picture of the redhead in his face, also naked. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lee turn away, tilt his head down, and hide a raging blush behind a hand.

_What were the chances?_ Apparently, pretty fucking good. "How many times do I have to tell you? I'm straight! Believe it!"

"Sorry, kid," the pinkette grouched. "This is all protocol. We have five more pictures to go."

"_What_?"

Lee leaned into his ear. "Just go with it. Don't give anything!"

"R-right…"

_This school_, he thought to himself, _is going to _kill_ me!_

.

There are rules everyone has to abide by in order to avoid the wrath of the Fangirls.

Rule number one, be straight. If you're gay, the chances of you stealing one of the men "represented" by the Fangirls are monumental considering that two of the "represented" men came out of the closet a year ago. By the power of their love alone, the Fangirls can make those men realize the greatness of the female body, the pleasures derived from their flesh and the beauty of their minds… But they can't make that happen if the men are already taken by other men.

So gays are a big no-no. The stench of homophobia yawns over a ten-mile radius with its origin being the high school. Anyone who comes out about being gay, well, no one really wants to talk about what happens to them. The things that happen to them makes the mafia look like a daycare center.

If you're a smart guy, you'll fall in love with a pair of boobies. That advice applies to smart girls as well. Lives will be saved.

Rule number two, if you're not registered with the Fangirls, you can't crush on the men represented by the Fangirls. If you are caught trying, you might as well be a gay guy.

Rule number three, if you are a registered Fangirl and you choose to defect to a different branch, for example, from Sasuke's Fanclub to Gaara's, you will be stripped of your Fangirl status and you will be treated as an outcast.

Rule number four, if you are a registered Fangirl and you choose to make an alliance with another Fangirl, for your safety it is required that the other Fangirl be from a different branch to avoid fighting over the same man. The only Fangirls allowed to create alliances within the same branch are the co-captains. That is only because their attempts to kill each other are usually futile and they have risen to the ranks of co-captains by being tough as nails. For example, a Fangirl of Shikamaru can connive with a Fangirl of Kiba to each get their man. Two Fangirls of Shikamaru can not plan to take the same guy together, even under pretenses of a threesome.

Rule number five, accidental or not, try and stay the fuck out of a Fangirl's way when she's on the scent of her crush. The school will not pay for any injuries received in the process and none of the teachers have the authority to overcome the Fangirls.

That is all.

.

Chouji Akamichi was not represented by the Fangirls. His best friend, however, was. Shikamaru Nara was one of the smaller branches, but either way the Fangirls had claim to him and it was really frustrating having the buddy he had had for life practically be _owned_ by desperate girls.

They only liked him because he was smart… and really handsome… and, and wealthy! Well, he wasn't as wealthy as Neji or Sasuke or even Gaara. It was more like his family ran a deer farm and on the side Shikamaru's father worked as a strategist for top secret projects (that were never really top secret when it came to their town, but that was the story of every small town). So maybe it was the mystery that really got to the girls.

It didn't matter. Shikamaru was represented by the Fangirls. Chouji wasn't. Shikamaru and Chouji were on the Kyuubi football team. They shared the public showers together with the team. And, somewhere in the tiled walls, was always a Fangirl watching to make sure that no one stared at Shikamaru. Even a glance could be misread as homosexual desire.

Here's the kicker: Chouji was in love with his best friend. He had been since middle school! But things had come up and he'd been too shy to tell his awesome and smart and handsome friend that he really, _really_ liked him more than friends should like friends. The day he'd thought he had had the courage…

Ino had dropkicked him and demanded to know his sexual preference. Damn it, Sasuke, why the hell did he have to lie and say he was gay? Chouji _knew_ he was lying, he just wanted to get rid of his Fangirls! Then Gaara lied too and there were no chances of it being the truth because, at best, Gaara was asexual. That guy didn't look left or right when it came to sex, Chouji didn't even think he was human enough to understand the concept of it.

Hell, the guy proclaimed just about once every five months (it took about that long for him to build up the chatty mood) that he would never love anyone but himself and his two siblings. Fangirls just ate that up, though. They could imagine that special moment where they burrowed themselves into Gaara's frozen heart and got him to realize what it felt like to be in a woman's arms in the most intimate way possible…

Chouji could just cry about it, man. He could.

That wasn't the worst part, though, and the worst part _had_ made him cry. A Fangirl of the Shikamaru branch had tricked him into admitting that he was in love with a guy. Chouji wasn't gay, or, maybe he was bisexual, but he had never personally thought of himself as gay.

By the next hour, _"Chouji's a fat fucking FAG"_ was being chanted throughout the whole school. Shikamaru had actually hit a guy from the volleyball team across the face for spitting on Chouji. Once the Fangirls singled out someone, everyone wasn't far from following.

"_Hey, Chouji, it's alright. I don't care if you're gay, I already figured that out for myself… Damn, those girls are so troublesome. I just want to live through high school and make it through college with you, y'know?"_

Shikamaru made it really hard for Chouji not to love him. Chouji had never thought that he would have to try and stop loving him.

Then he started going home and graffiti was all over the outside of his home, rare species of butterflies started disappearing from the butterfly garden his family had raised for over a hundred years and their wings would end up taped to Chouji's locker, and, as if they hadn't tortured him enough, the Fangirls started actively trying to separate him and Shikamaru.

It began slowly, keeping them apart during the school day. Then they started keeping them apart during football, whether the games or practice.

It took coming home to _FATSO FAG_ sprayed across his front door in thick angry letters for him to break down.

"_Chouji? Chouji! What the hell happened here, Chouji, talk to me, man, talk to me!"_

"_S-Shika… I-I-I don't… can't… P-please, s-s-stop coming h-here…" _

"… _Chouji…"_

The saddest part was that Shikamaru had looked as devastated as Chouji had felt. He had spent two more days trying to talk some sense into the Akamichi, had tried joking with him, giving him food, tried to protect him…

Then he looked around and must have gotten the hint. The only way to protect his best friend was to stop being his best friend.

Chouji Akamichi was not represented by the Fangirls. His ex-best friend, however, was.

Chouji didn't know it, but Shikamaru hurt just as much as he did.

.

Hinata Hyuuga was not a registered Fangirl. Kiba Inuzuka, however, was represented by the Fangirls. Neji Hyuuga, Hinata's first cousin, was also represented by the Fangirls. This gave Hinata some leeway into the world of represented men, considering that no one in Neji's branch wanted to commit love suicide by attacking her. It was agreed that Hinata, as long as she showed no interest in any of the represented men, could spend her time with them without facing the consequences any other girl would have.

The funny part was that Hinata didn't have a crush on any of the represented men.

Kiba Inuzuka, resident bad boy with all the studs and leather a bad boy needed plus having his best friend be a dog big enough for him to ride, was all set in the girls department. They went crazy over him, he took a few phone numbers, winked, walked off with them fawning over him…

And would always find himself blushing like crazy whenever he saw the delicate and shy Hinata, who would always see him a second before he would see her and smile so sweetly at him… _"Hello, Kiba… are you having a good day?"_

Oh, hell yeah. Any day around her was a good day, even the shitty days turned to sunshine and rainbows when he caught a glimpse of her. He could just imagine sweeping her off her feet, pressing in _real_ close (not to feel her chest or anything…), and telling her just how much he fucking wanted her!

Neji Hyuuga was, however, a few minutes quicker than Kiba was. Neji Hyuuga, about four years back, had learned the value of what family he had left after years spent in anguish over the loss of his father. The value was this: Hiashi, AKA uncle, role model. Hinata, AKA cousin, little sister – therefore, stereotype LITTLE SISTER MUST REMAIN PURE FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY.

Hinata must not be dirtied by the hands of Kiba Inuzuka, resident bad boy with the humongous dog that always waited outside the school's front doors for him.

Neji must send Kiba Inuzuka to the hospital, not the nurse's office, with grievous injuries if caught even _looking_ at Hinata.

Kiba Inuzuka, represented by the Fangirls, was not good enough for Hinata Hyuuga.

_What the hell?_

As far as the Fangirls would be concerned, it should go the other way around!

Kiba whimpered as Hinata swung around and her long fall of purple hair teased the small of her back as she breezed away. "Want… Want so fucking bad…"

A hand circled the nape of his neck, squeezing down till he felt the nerves begin to numb. A soft, low voice hummed into his ear. "Now you wouldn't be talking about my _cousin_, would you? No, you must be talking about your Fangirls."

"Ouch, man! Le'go!"

"Because if you _were_ talking about my cousin and _not_ your Fangirls, then you _must_ want my cousin dead." Neji brought his other hand up, arched, two fingers pointed, and Kiba collapsed to the ground in a boneless pile as flashes of sensation danced up and down his frazzled spine. "Leave Hinata alone. She's too good for you."

_Yeah_, Kiba thought to himself as Neji walked over him and strutted after his loving cousin. _I kinda figured that much._

.

Tenten was part of the Fangirl branch representing Neji Hyuuga. Tenten _really_ didn't like it.

First of all, these girls were psychos. Second of all, it was like being in the middle of Nazi Germany. There were even POW camps in the boiler room, girls just going slowly insane in handcuffs because they had said something against Neji like _"I love him with all my heart, but does he have to be so cold?"_ or _"What if Neji's gay too?"_ Tenten herself had spent three hours in the boiler room before. They cranked up the heat and she had been forced into thirteen layers of clothing, left in the sealed off chamber for five hours before someone bothered to let her out.

All she had wanted to know was why they had to fight like animals. Shouldn't love be love? It should be Neji's choice, not theirs.

Had she had the time, she would have gone on to question the purpose behind the homophobia. So it was okay for all these girls to go freaking mad over these guys who could do without their insanity, but a guy or two gets mixed in and it's only _now_ that the world ended for them? But she hadn't had the time.

Someone had taken a ruler to her head before she had even tried.

Tenten herself really hated the Fangirls. But she liked Neji more, especially when they had been thirteen years old, just playing in the gym together with Lee, Mr. Maito watching over them, and they had always talked about what their futures would be like.

This was not at all what she had envisioned.

She fixed the badge on her upper arm.

_MEMBER_

_of_

_NEJI FANCLUB_

She undid her hair and let the wavy tresses fall down her back to mid-shoulder. Neji Fangirls were required to have long hair. If they could grow it longer than a Hyuuga, because the Hyuuga family was prided on their long hair, they had a reason to gloat.

Tenten missed her buns. She missed the cute little ties she could use on them. She peeked at her feet. She missed being Neji's friend.

That was something the Fangirls didn't seem to get, though. The guys they wanted so badly… didn't want them. And the moment Tenten had given into the Fangirls, Neji had turned his back on her.

_Well… At least Lee will never leave me._

.

Lee was there after every class to lead him to the next. First period, the teacher wanted to go on and on about where Naruto had come from, its history, his family, _their_ history, and the other kids had just wanted him to shut the fuck up. Second period, the teacher couldn't care less but the students were practically all over Naruto, falling in love with him and his life. Third period, both teacher and students had wanted him to stop existing. Then again, the teacher had suggested that Naruto at least _try_ the bunsen burner experiment. Luckily, he hadn't been held accountable for the three people who got minor burns or the seven books that caught on fire. They sure as hell _held_ him accountable, but he escaped their wrath by the width of the hair and the science teacher wasn't going to punish him for something he hadn't been there to learn about.

Lee led him to fourth period and all Naruto wanted to do was fall down and die. "This school sucks."

"Naruto, you can't say that! You've only been here a few hours, you haven't had time to properly judge this temple of learning!"

"Oh yeah? How do _you_ feel about this 'temple of learning'?"

Lee sputtered and looked away guiltily.

"Yeah, that's what I thought!"

"It is only because of the oppression," Lee was saying to himself. "Yosh, if the school could learn to be more accepting, warmer in perspective…"

Naruto blocked out the rest of what he said because some asshole chose that moment to knock into him and then keep going without apologizing. "Hey, you bastard! When you push someone, you say you're sorry!"

Dead silence. The droves of students milling around stopped dead and dozens of eyes turned onto Naruto like the screams of banshees.

The asshole that had knocked into him turned around to face him, looking about as happy as someone who had had their life raped by tragedy would. "Who are you talking to, idiot?"

Oh, shit. Naruto gawked. This was Sasuke Uchiha. Then he realized he had just been insulted and it didn't matter that this guy had quadrillion Fangirls on his tail, watching over him like fanatic guardian angels wanting his precious baby juice. "I'm talking to you! What, you think you're too _important_ to say 'sorry'? C'mon, try it with me, it's not that damn hard."

"Narutooo," Lee hissed in his ear. "This is not the time to end your existence, you still have so much youth left in you!"

"I don't have to say I'm sorry, you should have to for being in my way."

"Oh, _geez_, forgive me your asshole-iness! _Forgive_ me for using the same fucking hall as you!"

Sasuke looked ready to kill. Naruto felt ready to pommel. "You're not forgiven."

"Bastard, I was being sarcastic. Ever heard of it before?"

The raven grabbed him by his throat and Naruto returned the favor, foreheads bashing together as they glared at each other. "Do you _want_ to die, idiot?"

"No, but I feel the need to fight!"

"Listen carefully, I don't want this to be lost on the single brain cell that _must_ be in your head. Don't. Start. S-"

Lee made the weirdest sound Naruto had ever heard and then he realized that his guide had accidentally fallen against him. He was falling forward… Sasuke couldn't get free in time, he was falling too, legs bending while Naruto's stretched. Somehow, the height difference made for an epically awkward landing.

Lee was the only one who didn't see what was the beginning of Naruto's personal hell. He was trying not to react to the redhead floating by.

Everyone else saw, though.

Sasuke tasted like cold.

.

"Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me! Naruto, I am _so_ sorry, I was just… it was only… No! I will not make any excuses for myself, I will instead ask that you choose my punishment! YOSH, whatever you say, I shall do!" Lee followed after him like a desperate puppy. Every once in awhile, he snagged a flying piece of garbage aiming right for Naruto.

Damn, news went around fast.

"It's okay, Bushybrow." It really wasn't. "I'll live." Why couldn't these crazy bitches understand that it had been an _accident_? "Hey, where're having lunch?"

Lee pointed in a vague direction, still apologizing like he had just he had done the worst possible thing a person could do to another, and Naruto had to scan the corner three times before he thought he saw what Lee was pointing at.

There was a, er, _gifted_ woman to one side with long purple hair and pale eyes, another girl with a badge on her one upper arm, and a heavyset guy to the first girl's right.

Lee trotted past Naruto and confirmed his suspicions.

"Hinata, Tenten, Chouji, meet Naruto! He is new here and I want all of you to give him a nice, warm welcome!"

The girl with the badge suddenly found something really interesting to look at on her foot. Chouji coughed into his hand. "She can't acknowledge you 'cause of the stunt you pulled today. It's against Fangirl code."

"DAMN IT, it was just an accident!"

The first girl smiled gently. "I believe you… S-Sasuke isn't known f-for kissing strangers. It would have had to be an a-accident."

"Oh my _god_, thank you!" He smooched her forehead. She turned a healthy shade of red and collapsed sideways into the surprised Chouji's arms. "Hey, is she okay?"

"She'll be fine," Lee chirped. "Anyhow, that's Hinata. She is Tenten."

"What the hell are you all doing over here?" There wasn't anyone else for two tables. It felt like being stranded in the middle of the desert.

Lee nudged Naruto and whispered into his ear, "Chouji came out about being gay and Neji has entrusted me with the safety of his cousin. Tenten is here because we have been friends for _years_."

"That's all? Then can't you guys move over a table or something?"

Lee shook his head sadly.

"I can hear you two, y'know," Chouji grouched. Hinata stirred in his arms. "It's not nice to talk about people behind their backs."

Lee petted the pudgy guy's back. "Forgive me, Chouji, I never meant to offend you."

"… I know."

"W-what happened?"

"YOSH! Now that everything is back in order, let's eat!"

Naruto was about to, because let's face it, he was _starving_ after all the bullshit he had had to go through…

But someone had ordered steaming hot soup that fateful lunch period and had decided that they really didn't want to eat it as much as watch it burn the _fuck_ out of Naruto.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

"NARUTOOO! Chouji, quick, HELP!"

"O-oh no!"

Tenten very carefully tried to hide beneath the table as Fangirls started laughing. And when the Fangirls started something, everyone else had to follow.

Lee glared at them. "You think harming a fellow pupil is _funny_? You could have seriously hurt him! Surely there is one among you more mature than this."

Chouji was half-carrying, half-dragging Naruto to the nurse's office, the blonde cursing and seething and literally _blistering_ on his arm.

Just before they left the cafeteria, Naruto looked up. Who else to look to but the damnable Sasuke Uchiha? He snarled and Sasuke glared back. "This isn't _my_ fault, you idiot."

"What? Wasn't blaming you! Even though I really, _really_ should… No, I blame you for the Fangirls, bastard! Fucking asshole…"

Chouji was finding the floor to be a really fascinating place to stare as he all but shoved Naruto out of the lunch room and down the hall. His face was pasty white and, if Naruto could focus well enough through his _burning_ eyes, he kind of thought that maybe Chouji was trying not to cry.

If he hadn't been in so much pain, he would have wondered why.

.

Lee stayed behind to play the mightiest guilt trip since Chouji on the Fangirls. Somehow, he and Hinata were gifted with the power to speak to the organization without being murdered.

He and Hinata were the only reasons why Chouji hadn't been altogether driven out of town. Since he had made the agonizing decision to leave Shikamaru, the Fangirls had abated and left him to himself, though not without the occasional evil eye but, still! Progress!

"He is a new student and you are giving this school a terrible name by treating him as you are! I'm sorry for your loss, I know you all wanted Sasuke's first kiss – _but listen to me_!" he yelled when a roar of agreement and rage rose up. "It was an _accident_. Naruto would not have ended up in that position had I not accidentally stumbled into him…" he waited for them to stop throwing their lunches at him, the epitome of patience. They had to stop eventually. He was Lee Rock, resident Nice Guy. Not even the Fangirls could hate him.

Or, at least, they couldn't hate him for as long as they didn't know his secret.

"Forgive me! Now, please, I want whoever threw that soup to apologize to Naruto! … Ino, I know it was you, do not try to play it off as her. Lying is bad, you know! If you have done something, bad or good, you should always take credit for it. Oh, but you were so happy at the time when you did it, now you can not even meet my eyes? Oh, Ino, the pain you cause me…"

He put his hand on his hip and threw his forehead into his other palm, shoulders sagging. "Whatever shall I do with you all?"

Lee Rock, for being resident Nice Guy, was not represented by the Fangirls. For one, he apparently didn't score high on the looks category. For another, he wasn't nearly as wealthy as all the other men represented. Even Kiba's family brought in more money per year than Lee and his uncle did. But then, the true reason was that the Fangirls had come to the conclusion that Nice Guys had to be nice to everyone. And the men represented by the Fangirls… usually didn't get that choice.

So Lee Rock, resident Nice Guy, was more like the mother hen of the school.

Ino came up and hugged him, the highest regard a Fangirl could give to a guy not represented, and then moped her way to the nurse's office, grumbling fiercely beneath her breath.

Lee nodded to himself, a job well done. And then, just to be safe. "Sakura, will you go out with me now?"

"NO!"

Hinata sighed and peered under the table. "You can come out now, T-Tenten…"

"Thanks."

"I suppose now I should go check on Naruto," Lee was saying to himself. "I _am_ his guide after all, and the nurses don't have his emergency cards yet! Ah, but I have his stuff, maybe he has his parents' phone number somewhere in here…"

Hinata slapped his hand way gently. "D-don't go snooping through other people's stuff, Lee." She smiled when he pouted at her. "Whatever shall I do with you?"

.

Mr. Umino was represented by the Fangirls. There were three things really wrong about that. One, Iruka was a teacher. Two, Iruka did _not_ support teacher-student relationships! And, three, Iruka was married.

The Fangirls would try to lie for him. Iruka had heard the _"but you kept your own last name, so you _must_ be lying"_ excuse so many times, it wasn't even funny. He couldn't help it, his husband (yes, his _husband_) had actually supported his decision to keep his surname.

Iruka Umino. Take the name apart carefully now; Iruka meant "dolphin", and Umi- meant "sea". Rearrange it and Umino, Iruka meant "sea dolphin", or keep it as is, and it meant "dolphin in the sea". Now how would it look if his last name was Hatake? Hatake meaning "field"? Well, he had never seen any _living_ dolphins in a field before, at least not outside a pool.

"_My little dolphin~"_ his husband would purr as he ignored his work in favor of disrupting Iruka's.

The teacher blushed at the very memory of it. Asshole. As a college professor, it would have been thought that Kakashi would have _some_ maturity! But, no, he was like a hormonal five year old! Iruka grumbled to himself as he dodged an airborne heart.

He _had_ to be married to a pervert who went around the whole day reading Icha Icha Paradise, about the most lewd thing on the planet, and Iruka was hounded by lovesick teenagers with the hearts of hungry wolves!

Classes changed, mercifully, forcing seven of his admirers out of his room and only one back in. And… hello…?

He smiled at the new student who came up to him, gauze over the left side of his face and hair wet. He held a plastic bag in one hand and a note in the other, which he handed to Iruka.

"Welcome…" he glanced at the note, "Naruto! Have you had a good first day here?"

The blonde snorted. "Yeah, it's been _great_, Mister, uh…"

"Umino. Mr. Umino."

"Yeah."

"What happened to you, if I may ask?"

Naruto winced. "Soup accident."

"Soup accident? All over your – oh." He thought of the lengths the Fangirls would go to and felt a righteous wave of fury ignite in his heart. "Oh." He despised how they could get away with just about anything. But there was really nothing he could do. Nothing that would work against them, anyway. "Well, why don't you take a seat next to Sasuke and we'll –"

"_Sasuke_!" The blonde whipped around and the Uchiha lifted his head to glare mutinously at the new student. "You bastard, are you _following_ me?"

"Following _you_? I was here first, idiot, why are you following _me_?"

"Hey, teach! I want transferred out of this class, I'm not gonna stick around with that bastard!"

"Naruto, language!" Temporary silence fell and Iruka was so happy… so _very_ happy… that the Fangirls were in too much shock to retaliate immediately. And they were there, about a dozen, creating a distant circle around the Uchiha because, quote, "we're not _pure_ enough to be near him!", unquote. If he was lucky, they'd snap out of it after leaving his class. "I am _not _going to transfer you to another class and you _are_ going to sit next to Sasuke!"

Especially now. Iruka had never met anyone who fought Sasuke like this and though he feared for the wellbeing of his class… it would be nice to see the Uchiha react to something, anything, to anyone. Even in rage.

Both boys turned towards him with the ominous air of murder. "_What_?"

"You heard me, the both of you. Naruto, take your seat! Girls, put those weapons away!" Iruka pounded his ruler against the Promethean board. "Write this down! NOW!"

Naruto, in his seat as far away from Sasuke as he could get, raised his hand. "I need a notebook."

"Well, you should have come prepared."

"C'mon, teach!"

"And it is _Mr. Umino_. To work!"

.

Naruto met up with Lee after class, fuming and feeing dirty. "He put me down right next to Sasuke, can you believe that? Bushybrow? Bushybrow!" His guide was staring at his feet, blushing red like a banner. "What the hell, man?"

Lee fidgeted with his fingers, paused. Rotated his shoulders, paused. Tried running down the hall, paused. Curled into himself, paused.

Nobody watched the spectacle that was Lee Rock. They walked around him instead, leaving Naruto in lonesome awe of the strange guy that was his first friend at this fucked up school.

Lee spun around, stared at him, paused. Smiled, frowned, cried, paused. Grabbed his hand, let it go, paused. Frowned, paused.

He finally decided what to do with a determined expression, grabbing Naruto by his coat and dragging him into the nearest boys' bathroom. He shoved him into the handicap stall and followed in after him. "Gaara _talked_ to me!"

"… Huh?"

"He spoke to me, h-he asked me about… about _something_!"

"What'd he ask you about?"

Lee's spastic grin started to fade. "I, I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"I think I… I think I ran away before he could ask."

"Why the hell would you do that?" 

"I have to, I can't control myself around people I have a crush on, I become very romantic and… and loud."

"What does that have to do with –" an image of the Fangirls popped into his mind, watching as Lee ripped off his clothes (bad image) and begged Gaara to take him (creeping the fuck out of Naruto). "You're screwed."

"I know…"

"Geez, and I thought _I_ was having a bad day."

"I never said I was having a bad day! I got to meet you and talk to Gaara and spend time with my dear friends! Also, Ino hugged me. That is a plus! By the way, did Ino apologize to you?"

"Who?"

"The blonde who interrogated you this morning."

"She was gonna apologize to me?"

"Oooh, that Ino! She said she was going to apologize! I will have to talk to her about that."

"So you're having a great day and I'm having the day from hell."

"I am sorry…"

"I just wanna go home, Bushybrow."

"In another two hours, you shall have your wish! For now, you must prevail!" The bell signaling the beginning of the next class went off. Lee blushed. "For now, we must get you where you need to be!"

"Bleh."

.

Where he needed to be was in some hot chick's room, sitting next to a guy he was pretty sure he had seen naked earlier that morning. He was the one who looked about as lazy as he acted, except Naruto kind of got the feeling that he was pissed off too. Any girl who came near him suffered under his pointed glare.

"Dude, what's your problem?"

"You're the new kid, right?"

"My name's Naruto!"

"_Naruto_, if there's one thing you're going to learn in this backwards school district, it's that _everyone_ has a problem." The bell went off and the guy stormed to his feet, showing a lot more energy now than when he had first slumped into it. "So stay off my case, would you?"

Naruto watched the guy stalk off, pushing past Lee who was already waiting in the doorway. Lee frowned, turned towards him, and then suddenly flashed into the room, brazen red in the face. "Crush in the hall?" he asked dryly. Lee squeaked in reply. "Geez, what's with everyone here? It's like you're the only person here not an asshole!" 

"Oh, that's not true… Chouji is very sweet once you get to know him! And… Ah, that was Shikamaru just now. He – well, he _used_ to be very kind."

"What happened to him?"

"Fangirls."

They happened to everyone, obviously.

"Anyone else?"

"Well~ Gaara."

"Really? He seems like a class one asshole." Lee's expression became dark. Scary dark. Naruto actually backed away out of fear. "Y'know what, though? I don't really know the guy, so maybe there's something jus peachy about him underneath all that asshole-iness."

The dark look didn't let up. "Hey, look, there he is now, I'll go ask him if…" Lee really was fast. One minute he was there, before a second went by he was gone! Kind of like magic except he could practically feel the heat of his blush berating him. Naruto grinned… right up until he realized he had no freaking clue where he was. "Son of a bitch!"

"Naruto?" a familiar voice piped from behind him.

"Huh? Oh, hey, it's you! Uuhhh…"

The swirlies on the guy's tattoo inflated as he puffed out his cheeks. "Chouji. I'm Chouji. What are you doing here alone, I thought Lee was showing you around?"

"He was till I said… Well, hey, that doesn't matter! Y'know where this class is?"

Chouji peered at his schedule. "Is that a penis?"

"I got bored in study hall, okay? Geez!"

The fluffy teen coughed into his fist. "A-anyway… yeah, this is where I'm heading."

"Really? Cool!" He wrapped an arm around the guy's shoulders, dragging him into side, or more like he dragged himself into the guy's side. "It's great that there'll be at _least_ one less douche!"

Chouji mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Two less douches."

"Huh? Is Bushybrow in that class too? Oh, wait, Hinata! … Tenten?"

Chouji was still caught on that first one, if his dumfounded expression was anything to go by. "Bushybrow…?"

"Yeah, uh, Lei?"

"… You mean Lee?"

"Yeah, him! Alright, which one's there?"

"None of them."

"… So there's someone else…?"

"Yeah…"

"You gonna tell me who?"

Chouji looked down and away. "Just… don't call him a douche."

"Who's_ he_?"

"Doesn't matter, just don't call him a douche!"

"How can I not call him a douche if I don't know who he is?"

Chouji stopped. Naruto was jerked to a stop with him. "Why would you call him a douche if you don't know who he is?"

"'Cause everyone at this school's a douche as far as I've seen… except for you, Bushybrow, Hinata, and… wait, I can't be sure about Tenten. Hell, I can't be sure about you either! Or Hinata… huh. But at least I _know_ you guys. Sort of."

They dodged into their class, just a few seconds before the bell went off.

The first thing Naruto noticed was that the teacher was smoking. That wasn't allowed, was it? Naruto frowned. The air stank of smoke and nicotine. "Take a seat, both of you," the teacher growled. His gaze flickered to Chouji then he looked back down at whatever test he was grading.

Checking out the room, that asshole who had told him to mind his own business in sixth period was watching Chouji without looking as pissed as he had earlier. Next to him was a guy with tribal markings and, _yeah_, Naruto was pretty sure he had seen him naked too that morning.

The dude with the tribal markings blinked at him. "Yo! Who's the new kid, teacher?"

Chouji slunk into his seat like he wanted to disappear and Naruto scowled as the smoker waved the dude away. "Name's Naruto Uzumaki! Who're you?"

"Kiba! Hey, aren't you the dipshit who kissed Sasuke?"

"Who're you calling dipshit?"

"You, dipshit! Only a dipshit would kiss that asshole!"

"You wanna _fight_, asshole!"

"Bring it, blondie!"

"OI! Both of you, sit your asses down!"

Naruto flinched and all but fell into Chouji's lap. There wasn't another empty seat anywhere nearby and he didn't feel like getting on the teacher's nerves. Not yet, anyway. Not with him glaring like that.

He snuffed out his cigarette and gave Naruto a level stare. "Name's Mr. Sarutobi, in case you didn't check out the nameplate outside. And I'm going to be your worst nightmare if you don't learn to behave in my class."

.

Naruto slammed through his front door, angry and happy and thinking about how fucked up his life was at the moment.

Then his mom was suddenly there, arms open, grin huge, and Naruto ran right into her embrace. "My baby! Naruto~ how did your first day go? Were the other kids nice to you? Did you meet a nice boy? How many friends did you make? _Why is your face burned_?"

Now, how best could he say that the school was run by fanatics? How did he say that he had had a folder of naked guy pictures shoved in his face, kissed an idol, made friends with a guy who can't get within ten feet of his crush, had soup thrown at his face, and was pretty damn sure that he wasn't going to survive the year?

"Don't worry about it, mom. I had a pretty good day. I made some really strange friends!"

She frowned, obviously not convinced. A demon could be found in the pit of her eyes, flashing fangs and snarling and Naruto knew that she just wanted to maul whoever hurt him.

"Really, mom, don't worry about it. Hey, where's dad?"

"He's –"

A yellow smudged flashed down the hall and he and his mom were crushed in a man's arms, held like they would disappear if he didn't squeeze them hard enough. "My baby! And my baby's momma! Hey, son, how'd your day go? Wifey, you're looking gorgeous, I could just – mm! – could just eat you up right here…"

His mom giggled and with his face squished against his dad's breast, he could only imagine what was happening between his parents.

He wriggled and fought and cried out but his dad didn't even notice as the giggling reached a climax and his mom finally punched Minato, his dad, in the face.

Naruto watched him flail backwards and then fall on his bum, looking up at Kushina, his mom, with hurt eyes. "Y-you hit me!"

"You were endangering my baby's innocence!"

He managed to escape the squabbling couple, knowing it was nothing serious. It never was. They were so in love, Naruto had to wonder just how long the Honeymoon phase of life was.

But that was his family and he was okay with that. Hell, he wouldn't be anywhere else in the world, given the choice!

Except, he amended, he wouldn't mind being at a different school.

Naruto fingered his lips. That bastard, he stole his first kiss and _he_ got the heat for it? Yeah, he'd definitely be somewhere else than at that hellhole.

But Naruto Uzumaki wasn't known for giving up. Naruto Uzumaki was known for fighting back. He was known for getting into people's hearts.

He was going to beat this fucked up school into shape! BELIEVE IT!


	2. You Better Not Pout, I'm Telling You Why

Seven months, two days, and nine hours…

That was how long Shikamaru had been planning his next move to get back with Chouji.

Yeah, he knew Chouji loved him. Shikamaru was, after all, a genius. And Chouji was as apparent as a window. It was obvious in how he looked at Shikamaru, how he smiled at him, how he would even share his food with him.

And, whether Chouji knew it or not, Shikamaru loved him too. Why else would he deal with him for so long? If there was anything anyone knew about Shikamaru, it was that he could never stand anything for long. Consciousness, class, teachers, people, bothersome things… He was a lazy man, practically too lazy to hold a relationship.

Except he had held a relationship with Chouji. Now Chouji wasn't with him. Chouji wasn't with him because fucking Fangirls wouldn't let them be.

That was why Shikamaru had spent so long on his plan. His foolproof plan… now plus one more fool he hadn't planned for. That damn new student that suddenly screwed everything up.

Here was how his plan should have gone:

Shikamaru, for seven months, two days, and nine hours, had built an unchangeable routine. On Monday, he did nothing before or after school. Tuesday, he worked five to ten in the deer sanctuary his family ran. Thursday, he went to the store. Friday, he did nothing. Saturday and Sunday, he worked from seven to six in the deer sanctuary. Football was squeezed in when needed, seeing as how that was a fluctuating schedule. But that was the only thing that changed. Everything else was set in stone. He hung out with the same people every day, Sasuke, Kiba, and Neji. He woke up at the same time, slept through the same classes, left school at the same time, used the bathroom at the same time – nothing was _ever_ even a _second_ off.

For seven months, two days, and nine hours, he had lived in a loop. Why? Fangirls. Fangirls wanted to be part of his life to the point where they were _living_ his life. They followed him everywhere he went, copied everything he did, but, most importantly, they made alliances with the branches representing the people he talked to. He had made his life predictable so that they could try their damned hardest to _predict_ it.

He had wanted to change one small thing, just one, to throw them all off, cast them into confusion, get _one damn minute_ to himself so he could just talk to Chouji, say one thing, do one thing…

Now there was a new kid, though, and he was already fucking up Shikamaru's plans. He had one of Shikamaru's main pieces. He had Shikamaru's best friend. He had the Fangirls attention and that, despite everything, was a _bad_ thing.

Despite Lee putting the Fangirls in their place, they weren't just going to forget that Naruto Uzumaki, new guy that no one knows anything about, stole a kiss from Sasuke Uchiha, the most popular man in high school. The kiss that none of them had felt before and would kill and die to have. The Fangirls were frenzied, enraged, and it would be weeks before Shikamaru could put his plan back into action.

Especially with Lee so busy keeping Naruto alive. Lee Rock, Nice Guy who had time for everyone, was too busy to listen to Shikamaru. And Lee was one of Shikamaru's main pieces. He couldn't use Hinata because she was practically under oath not to get in the way of Fangirls and Tenten _was_ a Fangirl. For obvious reasons, he couldn't go directly to Chouji either.

No, only Lee would do. But now he had no Lee, he had a jack ass who kept asking him what the hell his problem was. Every day, for two weeks, every time he walked into class even when he had injuries of his own to be concerned about…

"What the hell is your problem?" Naruto snarled, glaring at him as Shikamaru tried to rein in the unusual urge to kill a man. Shikamaru didn't have the energy for murder. He didn't have the emotional power to get angry enough to want to commit murder. But Naruto, that damn blonde, could drive him there. Just by his existence. His existence which had put so much work on stall. "Seriously, you're acting like I did something bad to you! Tell me what the hell I did, you asshole!"

'_You came to this school at this time when all I needed was one more day'_ he thought to himself, but didn't say a word. He wasn't going to. He _refused_.

And, maybe, there was jealousy in with that. Lee at least knew that Shikamaru loved Chouji. Every time they passed each other in the halls or, during the science class they shared (he didn't believe in a god, but he had nearly gone to his knees and thanked the Lord when Lee had been assigned as his partner while Fangirls watched on with horror in the background), he would give him that secretive smile. He would start talking about a "mysterious" man named Butterfly, telling Shikamaru about "Butterfly's" day, his family life, how he felt, and all of that.

Lee was maybe the only reason why he hadn't started killing off Fangirls. But Lee wouldn't be able to stop him from attacking Naruto if the blonde didn't back off _now_.

"Back off, would you? Geez, you're so troublesome…" as far as the Fangirls could be concerned, he felt nothing about the new kid. The new kid had no impact on him. If he showed the slightest sign of interest (or murderous rage), his plan would be flushed down the toilet. He couldn't distract his Fangirls, he had to keep them on him, keep them at ease, they had to believe that he was unalterable.

If they didn't believe that, they would be on high alert. Shikamaru could dress up like a clown and sing in the choir and that wouldn't even faze them. So he had to stay calm…

He had to pretend that Naruto Uzumaki didn't exist. And, if forced to acknowledge him, he had to brush him off like he did everyone not Sasuke, Kiba, or Neji.

"Bastard!"

"Whatever…"

"Douche!"

.

Kiba wanted to kill Naruto. Yeah, he'd seen Hinata faint during lunch. He'd fainted in the presence of Naruto.

Hinata, the girl of his heart, had a crush on the new kid. And the new kid had kissed Sasuke. He was just so…! So FUCKING ANGRY! There was this gorgeous, beautiful, sweet chick and there was Naruto, the son of a bitch who drew penises on his notebook and couldn't keep his voice down!

"Hey, Hinata, what's up? You're all dressed up and it's…" he drank in the sight of her, hair braided over one shoulder, soft blue sundress fluttering to her knees. "You're…" _beautiful, amazing, just so out-of-this-world hot, and how did I ever get the chance to even _talk_ to a goddess like you?_ "You're cute." He felt Neji's glare burn a hole in the back of his head to match the others.

Hinata blushed and twiddled her pointer fingers in a nervous habit. "I-I was hoping to, to get Naruto t-to look at m-me… Kiba? Kiba, are you okay? Kiba!"

The dogs at his kennels weren't the only ones who could foam at the mouth.

Yeah, he was so fucking angry. Naruto _had_ to go down.

.

Gaara and Sasuke weren't close. They just happened to be closer than any of the other guys represented by the Fangirls were to each other. It was a matter of understanding, really. They knew what was in each other's heart, which was, basically, _NOT OPEN FOR ENTRANCE_. Gaara had his two siblings and that was al he needed. Sasuke had his big brother and that was all he wanted. They both had scandals in their pasts.

Gaara, heir to the Sabaku Enterprise, had watched his uncle kill himself after years of being blamed for his mother's death in childbirth.

Sasuke, second heir to the Uchiha Corporation, had walked into the aftermath of his cousin's madness, Tobi Uchiha. His entire family minus Itachi had been slaughtered in a night.

So it really was a matter of understanding.

Gaara understood that Sasuke was a prick because he had attachment issues. When he let someone into their heart, they better damn well plan on being immortal because Sasuke wasn't going to let them die, not while he lived, and the only person who could possibly do that in Sasuke's eyes was his big brother.

Sasuke understood that Gaara was so cold because he had trust issues. His father had tried to _kill_ him, after all, with his own doting uncle who had promised to "medicate" him with love for life. As far as either of them was aware, there really wasn't a way around that.

Till about high school that was. Then Gaara met Lee Rock, Mr. Nice Guy, who was a year older than them. He was charismatic, he was kind, he was selfless, he was warm, he was strong, he was sensitive, he was so many things and he made Gaara so confused because this was a man who couldn't turn away a flea-bitten, rabid, starving stray animal if his life depended on it.

Considering the one time Gaara had watched it happen, his life _had_ depended on it. That dog had been too far gone to save, but Lee had still gotten his hands slick with blood, still suffered the ticks and fleas, still had carried an abused animal five blocks (Gaara didn't condone lying, so he wouldn't even bother to say that he hadn't followed out of curiosity's sake) while the stray snapped and snarled and clawed and bit at him. And then he'd stayed long past Gaara could with the animal at the humane society.

Gaara didn't doubt that they had to put the animal down. Not because of the condition the dog had been in, but because Lee had come to school the next day crying.

A month later, Gaara had gone to one of Lee's matches, though he hadn't known it at the time. He had just wanted to see a fight and Sasuke had agreed. They ditched their Fangirls, passed out after watching their crushes strip down to their boxers in a candy shop (they did go back to apologize to the staff), and went to a dojo where flyers promised a battle of sorts was going down.

Faced off with a man who was introduced as Raiga, a heavyset man who was allowed the use of weapons, a second man came onto the mats and Gaara had to take a moment to realize that Lee, slim, tall Lee, was about to fight this monster of a figure.

And then, in greater shock, he watched Lee defeat the same monster of a figure.

Gaara respected strength. He really did. So he tried to congratulate Lee at school the next day, but… he ran away. One look at Gaara, his eyes got wide, his mouth clamped shut, his hands shook, and then he was gone so fast he left a smoke trail behind him. That was the honest truth because Gaara did not often use figure of speech to define someone's exit.

Some time later, Gaara concluded that Lee hated him. What else could it possibly be?

Rhetorically, he asked Sasuke this, in the form of subtle sign language because the Fangirls were nearby and they had equipment that could pick up whispers and they never blinked. _Never_. But if any of them had ever noticed how their hands twitched, curled, waved absentmindedly, they never talked about it. If they were catching their movements on video camera, they still wouldn't catch it.

The Uchiha frowned and was slow to reply. 'You think he hates you?'

'I know so. Lee never turns away from anyone else.'

Sasuke smirked. "Does Gaara Sabaku have hurt feelings now? Does Gaara Sabaku have a _crush_?"

Gaara glared at him with the frozen hellfire in his eyes. That bastard, he said that out loud on purpose.

Fangirls off to the side, _thinking_ they were hidden, screamed. Gaara Sabaku? Crush? Those words in the same sentence blew their tiny minds.

"Not a crush," he countered, then signed, 'Observation.'

"Hn." Sasuke switched to Morse code, fingers tapping against the side of his leg. 'He talked to me yesterday. He told me to have a youthful morning.'

Gaara wanted to wring Sasuke's neck. The only sign of his thoughts, however, was a frown. Sasuke knew the esoteric language of homicide, however, and Morse coded, 'You're jealous.'

He wasn't sure if he was or not, so he let it drop. "What do you think of Naruto?" He studied Sasuke's features closely.

Since that kiss, Sasuke had been acting slightly different from usual. Gaara understood. There was this kid, this newcomer, who knew nothing about them (and that was something, considering the businesses their families ran), and he got to kiss the great, untouchable Sasuke Uchiha. And then he didn't think anything of it. He didn't swoon, he didn't faint, he didn't go insane, and, hell, he lived to see another day.

Here was this kid, this newcomer, and he didn't think Sasuke was a god. For the Uchiha, that had to be a change of pace.

He had to enjoy it too, considering that he had been going out of his way for the past two weeks to insult the blonde.

Take two days ago for example, how he had spoken to Naruto in Latin using the most condescending tone known to man. Naruto had gone off and attacked him and now Fangirls everywhere were dying to know what the Uchiha had said to infuriate the most hated kid at school.

What none of them knew was that Sasuke hadn't really said anything. He had yawned the alphabet, counted to ten, and then simply called Naruto an idiot. It wasn't like anyone else in the school knew Latin, aside from them two, Shikamaru, Neji, and Hinata.

So Gaara waited for an answer because he knew the Fangirls would worship Sasuke's words.

The Uchiha, after glowering at Gaara, turned his gaze skyward and laid down on the rooftop. Then he said something that would change the fabric of Naruto's school life. "He's cool."

.

Naruto wasn't sure why, but people were suddenly being way too nice to him. Hell, they were treating him like a freaking _prince_ or something. Lee noticed too.

The last time Naruto had seen someone cry like that, his dad had been sending him to kindergarten for his first day ever of school. There was a lot of pride, some fear, and a screams of "HE'S GROWING UP!" Except Lee was screaming "YOU'RE MAKING FRIENDS!"

Yeah, but who cared? Naruto knew these people weren't for real. He had a sixth sense about these sort of things, whether someone was sincere or not. All these fake smiles and "I'm just _barely_ tolerating you" attitudes were really fucking with him.

Then, last period of the day, that damn mutt (yeah, he learned about Kiba's kennels) dragged him into the guy's restroom and shoved him into the handicap stall! This was getting way too familiar.

Now what were they going to fight about? Dogs? Whiskers? Naruto couldn't help that, they were his birthmarks! Just because they were unusual and no one could really explain it didn't mean shit… "You asshole, I don't know what Hinata sees in you!" Kiba snarled.

Naruto's thoughts came a standstill. "Wait, what are you talking about?"

"Hinata! She dresses up for you, gives you her fucking _homemade_ food, and I'm left with the occasional 'hello', what's with that? I've been with her for way longer than you and you…!" The silence was dangerous. Naruto almost acknowledged that that was fear making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. "You haven't noticed… have you?"

He hadn't. Though he had thought her sundress looked really cute earlier. Now that he thought about it… But, nah, that couldn't be! Hinata couldn't like someone like him…

"So you're not even going to be a man and step up the plate? There's this fucking gorgeous, sweet girl crushing on you and _you didn't even notice_?"

Naruto, distracted in his own mind, didn't really think about his reply. "Why would I notice something like that? I'm gay!"

It took two minutes of quiet for him to remember the lesson Lee had been pounding into his skull for the past two weeks. _'Don't let anyone know that you're not straight.' _Well, shit. He was screwed.

"… You're gay?"

No turning back now, Naruto grouched to himself. "Yeah, you got a problem with that? You gonna sick your Fangirls on me?"

"… I can't believe it. You're _gay_!" Kiba actually laughed and, to Naruto's great confusion, bro-fisted him. "Cool."

Internally, Naruto wondered what the hell was going on. Externally, his tongue wouldn't cooperate to form the question and even he would agree that he was wearing a pretty stupid expression.

Kiba patted him on the head as if he were one of his dogs and whistled his way out of the restroom. "Later, Naruto! Great to be friends with ya!"

Naruto stayed behind, mostly because the confusion was so great as to give him a headache and the pain racked his entire body. "What the hell… just happened?"

The next stall door parted gently and the guy he vaguely knew as Neji stepped out. "You just made Kiba's day, Uzumaki," the Hyuuga said coldly. "And to think, I would have rather my cousin ended up with you."

"What are _you_ talking about?"

Neji washed his hands, even though Naruto was pretty sure he hadn't used the toilet, and then, with a grace that left Naruto speechless, shoved the blonde into one of the urinals and flushed it with him sitting in it.

The cold wetness seeped through his jumpsuit and the rage that built up was two seconds too late as Neji sauntered out without explaining his actions. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

.

Kiba knew why Neji did it. "Can't believe you hate me that much," he groused as Neji followed him through the cafeteria. "What about me don't you like, huh?"

He kept the subject subtle and so did Neji. It was best not to get Hinata involved in matters that the Fangirls would maul her over.

"You smell like wet dogs."

"Well, duh."

"You're poor."

"My family makes good income, you cheap bastard!"

"Your manners are nonexistent."

"Oh, now you sound like my grandma."

This was why Fangirls of Kiba and Neji didn't make alliances with each other. They tolerated each other's presence because Neji was creepy and followed Kiba around. Of course, Fangirls of Neji would never say such a thing.

Fangirls of Neji would say that Kiba was the one doing the stalking and the Fangirls of Kiba should be _ashamed_ of themselves, because Fangirls of Neji were refined, sophisticated girls. And if they weren't, they took classes to be, even when they hadn't the money for it. It was widely assumed that they (one of them) would marry Neji and money would no longer be a problem.

And it was as Kiba and Neji were having this fight that it occurred to the two groups of girls that they were fighting over a _crush_. That led to the question of whom?

Then the war turned internal.

Kiba and Neji came to a stop as the linoleum beneath their feet shook and deafening screams of rage rang throughout lunch.

"Wanna look back?" Kiba asked after something wet and warm splattered against his shoulder.

"To live in ignorance is a blessing," Neji answered, casually ducking a tater tot torpedo.

"Great! So, hey, you're an asshole and I'm not giving up."

"You're a bottom-dwelling, uncultured runt and I hope you die."

"Can't believe you were that pissed that you took it out on someone…"

"I should have known better than to hope for something better to come along than you. To think that there will be so much suffering in her future…"

"OI! I plan on treating her well!"

This only fueled the war, which they both refused to acknowledge.

Kiba had a crush. Neji didn't approve. This was officially _personal_.

.

Shikamaru was both pleasantly surprised and ready to rip someone's head off.

On the good side, half of his Fangirls were missing due to a disruption with their alliances, some fighting amongst themselves. He had never thought that his friendship with Neji and Shikamaru both would work out this way. That made his day that much less annoying.

On the bad side, the half of his Fangirls that were there weren't leaving for anything. If he wore a clown suit and sang in the choir, they would join him, no shame about it, and even _enjoy_ it. Because that gave them twice the chance of getting with him.

His plan was officially shot to hell. He'd have to do something more drastic, but what? What could he possibly do?

The cogs in his mind worked and worked till smoke billowed out of his ears and a migraine cozied up to the back of his eyeballs. In Science, he let his head hit the desk.

Lee tutted gently and rubbed his shoulders. The Fangirls screeched like banshees but a hard look from Lee made them take a step back. "Our Shikamaru," he whispered gently, because Lee Rock was a complete Gentleman with a capital G and he couldn't stand to see the hurt in their expressions (but Shikamaru could), "is having a bad day. Now I know you all can think of ways to cheer him up, but the best way to help him right now is to give him peace and silence. Yes? After all, I don't think he can handle any more," a chuckle, "bothersome things."

When they didn't retreat he added, "Shikamaru would greatly appreciate it if you let him be till he felt better."

Some of them might have disagreed. He could only imagine the thoughts and whispers of "I can make him feel better _with my body_" or "Shikamaru only needs _me_". Well, fuck them. No, they wanted that! Alright, they could fuck themselves over.

Shikamaru really wasn't in the mood.

They retreated but Lee stayed. He massaged the Nara for awhile, not breaking the silence, and hummed a little beneath his breath.

Finally, he said, "my favorite color is pink."

Shikamaru gave his green attire a weary look, from his green spandex top that made it oh-so obvious that this man who ate like a cow was as thin as a pole to the green skinny jeans to the blindingly green croc shoes he wore.

Lee grinned. "Ah, see? You're judging me by what you see but what you _really_ need to do is ask questions!"

Shikamaru took in the wisdom of that for a moment, admitted to himself that it was true, and then tried to figure out why Lee was telling him this.

A light came on upstairs and he got to his feet. With dead certainty, he turned to his Fangirls. "Hey," and he had their attention like flame held the attention of moths, "how many of you actually know me?"

.

"Hey, idiot, did you fall in the toilet?"

Naruto snarled. "Don't need you right now, bastard!" He tugged at his soaking pants, wriggled because what was more uncomfortable than the dampness was the fact that he had just been sitting in a freaking _urinal_, and glared at Sasuke. "What do you want?"

The Uchiha yawned into his hand. "I heard you're suddenly shooting up the popularity ladder. I decided I had to see it to believe it. Apparently, they were wrong."

He huffed. "They're right. It's just that fucking Hyuuga, Neji! What was he even talking about? I don't know… He did this! But I think he was angrier at Neji…"

"Hey, idiot, I have no clue what you're talking about."

"Douche!"

"Stupid."

"Bastard!"

"Incompetent."

"Asshole!"

"Loser."

"I am _not_ a loser!"

"You're acting like one."

"Oh, _yeah_?"

"Yes!"

Naruto grabbed Sasuke by the collar of his shirt, glared at the Fangirls who came to a dead stop some feet behind them, eyes widening in horror as they apparently thought there was going to be a repeat of his first day there – Sakura and Ino actually charging towards him – and all but leapt into the boys bathroom, Uchiha in hand, in time to avoid the duo.

Out of habit, he used the handicap stall.

"Listen, you bastard, what's your problem with me?"

"What's your problem with _me_?" Sasuke asked back.

"I don't have a problem with you, you have a problem with me!"

The Uchiha paused. "You're serious."

"Hell yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't have a problem with you." Sasuke had his first moment of clarity in nearly three years. "Then why are we fighting?"

Naruto frowned. "That's what I was gonna ask you!"

He stared at the blonde. "I don't want to stop." He never got to argue. He was too _cold _and _controlled_ to have an argument. He could never disagree with his older brother, every attempt ended with him agreeing with Itachi. The Fangirls were useless, they thought his voice was the voice of their god. And then there was the small group of guys he could hang with without anyone getting murdered. If anything, they only made him quieter. "I have… fun… arguing with you."

That was hard to admit to. For his part, though, Naruto didn't seem to notice as he tilted his head curiously and furrowed his eyebrows.

The raven found that a little cute. Could it be helped? He doubted it.

"Bastard, that's seriously messed up."

"_You're_ seriously messed up."

"OI, what kind of comeback is that, you douche?" Naruto blinked. Smiled. Laughed. "You're right, arguing with you _is_ fun." He held out a hand. Sasuke stared at it. "We'll be arguing buds, then! Frenemies!"

"Frenemies?"

"Yeah!"

"How old are you?"

"Bastard."

.

Without even knowing it, Shikamaru had made a backup plan.

His agenda over the past seven months had been so simple, so unentertaining and repetitive, that, over time, the girls had never really learned about him. He'd never talked about his likes and dislikes to his acquaintances, he never picked up his favorite foods from the store, he was never seen favoring something over another when it came to materialistic or edible goods, and they never saw him in his favorite places.

In other words, every question he asked them threw them into greater amounting confusion and hysterics.

All they knew about him was what they had raided from the school medical files, and all that was was that he was allergic to cashews.

He rubbed his temples and pretended to be annoyed. In reality, this was the happiest he had been in a long time. They were about in tears and Lee had had to ask to go to the bathroom to stop from comforting him. Lee understood that this was something that had to be done. That didn't mean he had to like it and Shikamaru could respect that. As it was, the teacher was ignoring them.

When Fangirls ran wild, there was no stopping them. When someone decided to put Fangirls in their place, there was no one who _wanted_ to stop them.

"How about my favorite color? Does anyone here know _that_ much?"

Dead silence. Someone hesitantly ventured, "… brown?"

"No. Troublesome, you all claim to love me but you don't even know a thing about me. You're all fake, and I hate fake people."

Then they really _did_ start crying.

"Next question," Shikamaru pressed, because he could see that they weren't willing to let him go yet, "what's my favorite animal?"

"Deer!" someone shouted.

"Wrong. I hate deer."

The shock hit the air like lightening. His family ran a deer sanctuary, they were most likely thinking. How could he _not_ like deer?

It was simple, really. He didn't like deer_ because_ his family ran a deer sanctuary. He dared any one of them to take his place and come back out of it still wishing to save Bambi.

"Butterflies," someone else said in a voice that went straight through his skin, his muscle, his bone, and cut into his heart like warm water. "Your favorite animal is butterflies."

Shikamaru spun around. Chouji was in the room, looking desperately like he wanted to escape but Lee was blocking the only exit. The Akamichi flinched when he looked up from his feet and saw him staring at him.

His Fangirls radiated hatred. Shikamaru threw them a glare and the hatred simmered down to shame. Yeah, the man they all hated knew more about Shikamaru than them. It was too much of an embarrassment for them.

He turned to Chouji. His ex-ex-best friend was whispering fiercely to Lee, who refused to move and let him escape. "Who told me to be nice to my teachers in third grade?" Shikamaru asked softly.

Chouji swallowed thickly. "M-me…"

"What's my favorite shape?"

"… Swirls…"

"Why was I so skinny through elementary school?"

Chouji snorted. "B-because y-you always g-gave me your f-food…"

"Who held my hand and let me cry on their shoulder when my mom ditched my dad and me?"

"M-me…"

"Who's the most loyal… most goddamned gorgeous guy I've ever seen?"

Chouji stopped breathing. Lee looked as if the air of "Young Love" was going to make him implode.

The Fangirls, on the opposite end of the spectrum, were in horror.

"S-Shikamaru?"

"There are two things wrong with that answer…" Shikamaru invaded his personal space, not something that was easy to do. Chouji was a big guy, no matter what a softie he was. Shikamaru had about two inches on him, but his girth made it a little difficult to pin him to a corner and refuse to let him get away.

Lee, seeing as he was no longer needed, went to the Fangirls and shushed them gently. "This is all for the best, ladies," Shikamaru heard him tell them softly. "Now you may continue on in your Youth and find someone of your own to love as your most special person! Shikamaru has found his, and if you ever truly cared for him, you will accept that he is happy."

It never worked out that way. They would listen to Lee while he was there, but the second he was gone… damn.

Shikamaru pressed a kiss to plump lips. "One, it's a wrong answer, period. Two, that's Shika to you."

"B-but, Shika-… Shika…" He touched his lips, then looked at the Fangirls.

"I'll blow them up if I have to. I'll sick my stags on them if it comes to that, I'll do what I have to do, but you're not ignoring me again."

"They…"

"It won't happen again." He pressed his forehead to Chouji's. "I won't let it. Chouji, you're my best friend… Okay, you're more than that, we just established that."

"Shika, Lee just kidnapped me from my math class, my teacher was screaming at me on my way out…"

"So? You hate math."

Chouji chuckled. Shikamaru grinned. It felt too good to be back like this. "Do you know why my favorite animal is the butterfly? Why I kept drawing swirls on my books all through middle school? Do you know who the most loyal, most gorgeous person I've ever seen is? You know everything else about me."

Chouji looked desperately to the teacher's desk. No teacher.

Chouji didn't know it, but the teacher had left right about the moment Lee had stepped away from the door. If she wasn't here, she couldn't be blamed for anything that happened. She could just as easily say that she went to the restroom or had to copy something or some teacher's errand or another.

If someone died, it wouldn't be on her.

Shikamaru grinned. "Come on, Chouji, don't you know?"

He looked from the barely contained Fangirls to Shikamaru to the door and then settled back on Shikamaru. "Y-… you're going to have to… You're going to have to tell me." Chouji smiled. He _smiled_! "I'm not as smart as you, Shika. Spell it out for me, will ya?"

The Nara couldn't help it. He blushed… just a little. But he blushed nonetheless because, wasn't it obvious? Chouji was teasing him. "I love you, Chouji. Do you need me to spell that out for you?"

He giggled. "Maybe."

"How about _you_ spell it out for _me_?"

Chouji flushed and stuttered.

"I've always known, Chouji. I know you still feel that way."

"Shika… I love you too… and I'm sorry that I turned away, but I couldn't… they were attacking my _family_, our butterfly garden!"

"I know, I never blamed you."

"But now…" Chouji smiled sourly. "We're screwed, aren't we?"

"Don't worry about that. Let's just handle it together from now on, alright?"

"Okay…"

"Great. This is…" Shikamaru had obviously exhausted his vocabulary, so he ended up kissing Chouji instead.

Long, hard, and the taste of barbeque was strong on Shikamaru's tongue.

Lee applauded while Shikamaru's Fangirls collapsed into despair. "This is so wonderful! YOSH, this is an hour of awe indeed!"


	3. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

It took nearly two weeks, but, without Shikamaru's consent, Lee got his Fangirls to back off.

Gaara was there to witness the impossible as Lee entered the Fanclub and, three hours later, came back out unscathed, if not traumatized and weak in the knees. Gaara could not imagine the horrors that could have conspired in the Fanclub. Fangirls could come out of the Fanclub begging random people to kill them. Some Fangirls never came out. The fact that the Fanclub was attached to the school's boiler room put no one at ease.

The next day, the branch representing Shikamaru was torn down and replaced by a new one, one that left the other Fangirls in terror, unable to imagine what their futures would lead to with this new development.

"HALT!" Gaara's gaze flickered interestedly to what was happening. A girl, formerly part of Shikamaru's Fanclub, stood between Chouji and a potential bully that he vaguely recognized from the baseball team. "As a member of the ShikaChou Fanclub, you better back the _fuck_ off this adorable bottom-man!"

Someone else a distance away from the girl turned to her comrade and whispered, "we've _got_ to come up with technical terms for these roles!"

"INTERNET!"

And they were off. Gaara watched them go. And then he watched as the first girl turned to Chouji and coddled the shocked boy to her chest, petting back his hair and saying how wonderful it was that he and Shikamaru had wonderful butt-sex at night…

Gaara blinked. He could never be sure what was socially acceptable, but he had always been told that one's sex life was not it.

That girl, however, was definitely trying to get Chouji to tell her all the dirty details of their making love.

If this was how the Fangirls were acting outside the Fanclub, Gaara realized, than how they must have acted within it must have driven Lee half-crazy.

Then he kept walking, because there was somewhere he needed to be, and that somewhere was the cafeteria. His table, formerly the guys represented by the Fangirls, had merged with Lee's table of misfits. Except Tenten. Aside from the spectacle Gaara had just seen, the Fangirls never tended to actually invade the personal space of their crushes.

AKA, Neji. So Tenten had to sit with her branch.

But Gaara didn't know Tenten well, so she didn't matter. He took a seat at the end of the table, next to Sasuke who had Naruto on his other side, sitting across from Shikamaru who was waiting tiredly for his boyfriend, Kiba on Shikamaru's side talking to Hinata, Neji across from Hinata, and Lee next to Neji.

He didn't want Lee to run away again, that was all.

"Shika, you're _not_ going to believe what just happened!" Chouji choked as he stumbled in. "There's a new branch."

Dead, cold silence settled over the entire cafeteria.

Then Chouji finished, "It's about _us_." And the shock was palpable.

Gaara waited for Lee to take credit for what he had done. Someone asked, as a matter of fact, a few people asked. After all, a branch of the Fanclub didn't just _decide_ to not only openly accept a gay couple, much less _represent_ them together as a gay couple.

No one had the guts to lie. Lee didn't admit to his good deed. He just sat there, smiling secretively to himself, and maybe the only people in the room who knew what he did was him, Shikamaru, who pinpointed Lee with a gouging stare and then finally nodded out of respect, and Naruto, who just swiveled his head around and grinned at Lee like he had known the entire time.

Lee blushed under their attention and paid close attention to his water bottle.

"What a drag, now there's nothing I can do to get those pesky girls off our backs," Shikamaru groaned.

Chouji smiled. "It could be worse."

"Oh, yeah?"

"I meant to say, it _was_ worse."

Shikamaru sighed and his face hit the table hard as his body sagged in defeat. Chouji popped open a bag of chips and offered one to Shikamaru.

"Hey, when'd you start carrying snacks around?" Naruto barked.

Sasuke bopped him upside the head. "Don't yell, idiot."

"Bastard!"

"Well, I used to carry snacks around with me all the time," Chouji answered honestly. Shikamaru ate from his fingers and licked the residue barbeque flavor off, making the big sweetheart flush darkly. "But then the Fangirls got between me and Shika and I guess… I guess I was so depressed, I stopped eating as much."

"… Hey, isn't that supposed to happen the other way around?" Naruto asked, looking confused.

"Nah," Kiba snickered, "Chouji loves his food, eh, doughboy?"

"Why, you-!" Gaara ducked the apple that went flying from Kiba's plate as Chouji tackled him. "DON'T CALL ME FAT!"

"I DIDN'T CALL YOU FAT!"

"YOU WERE INSINUATING IT!"

"HALT! HANDS OFF CHOUJI IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS… what's the word again? How do you pronounce _that_? You sure? Okay! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS YAOI!"

Gaara had already seen this scenario, so he turned to Lee instead. Lee, who was the reason this was all happening, looked a little uncertain but otherwise okay as Neji nudged him and said something into his ear. Lee… Lee giggled.

Gaara frowned. Wow. That hurt. He put a hand over his heart and squeezed. It felt fiery. He didn't like it. He turned to Sasuke. "You were right," he told the Uchiha, who stared blankly at him. "I am jealous."

.

Iruka was torn.

On one hand, his husband was a romantic. On the other, said romance had been born from the almighty collection of porn stashed in almost every available cache to be found in their apartment. This idea most likely came from that collection of porn and the smile kept falling on and off his face as he tried to determine whether this was inspired by true evil or if Kakashi had been feeling original.

So far, the bouquet of flowers seemed innocent enough. There were no dirty pictures attached, no note saying _Come hither~_ or anything of the sort, and, to his knowledge, none of the flowers (minus the red poppy _maybe_) meant "let's have fast, hot sex on your classroom floor, dolphin!"

But he didn't doubt for a second that this was a ploy, because the reason Kakashi had the porn collection in the beginning was to teach him the ways of love and lust and passion, which was as sad as it sounded. Kakashi had never done anything for him that hadn't ended with Iruka having difficulty walking away from afterwards.

He waited for a long, tense moment. A white head of hair did not streak into existence and he didn't feel his husband grind up on his ass with a half-hard erection. So far, so good. Maybe this was… this was Kakashi… _trying_?

He picked up the bouquet slowly, smiled a little wearily at the collection of flowers. They were greatly mismatched, he had to admit. Now, if he was correct, that was a red rose (obviously), but then that was an aster, and then red poppy, finished with a… with a… He frowned. He had no clue what that was.

"Mr. Umino."

"Gah!" He spun around and nearly rammed into the student behind him. "Gaara! How did you get in here?" There were three bolts on his door. The principal had allowed it, seeing as how there were periods of the day where he was alone and it was possible for a group of his Fangirls to try and abduct him. Currently, however, that door was open, which wasn't possible because he remembered having shut it.

"That doesn't matter," the redhead told him coolly, but then took the time to lock the door back up as if struck by a thought of how useful that would be. "_Why_ I'm here would be better."

Iruka breathed in through his nose, exhaled through his mouth. He counted to ten. "Okay, _why_ are you here?"

"I need…" Gaara's face screwed up into an expression of ultimate discomfort. "I need… _help_."

Iruka could understand his shock. There were three people in the school who he had never thought would ever need help, Gaara being one of them. He stood there, dumfounded.

Gaara glared at him. "How do I confess to a guy I like if that guy doesn't stay still long enough for me to get close to him?"

That sounded like a riddle. Iruka scratched his nose thoughtfully. "Why are you asking me, if you don't mind?"

"You're married to a man," he answered simply. "How did you and Kakashi start dating?"

Iruka thought back to those days… not that long ago, actually. It had been about five years back. He thought of Kakashi being an annoying son of a bitch till Iruka agreed to go out with him and then alcohol got involved and when he woke up, his ass had been sore, there had been a ring on his finger, and Kakashi had been wrapped around him like another layer of skin.

But Iruka was a teacher in school and teachers didn't get married to a man drunk in the night and have wild monkey sex they couldn't remember in the morning. "Uuummm… Wow, uh… persistence?" He remembered all of the times before that last time that Kakashi had all but begged and tried to manipulate him into going out with him. "Yes, persistence. Kakashi was very persistent and in the end… I couldn't say no."

Gaara, after a moment, nodded as if he understood that. Then he focused on the bouquet in Iruka's hands. "Do you need that rose?"

Iruka followed his gaze. A part of him wanted to say _yes_ at the top of his lungs. The other part of him, which, really, was a die-hard romantic, wanted to help Gaara get his crush (though he feared the wrath of the Fangirls upon that poor boy). In the end, he would still have a bouquet, minus one rose, so he handed it over and smiled. "Oh, wait, Gaara… Do you by any chance know what this flower is?" He held up the unidentifiable plant.

Gaara gave it a cursory glance. "Edelweiss." Then he left.

Iruka smiled. Rose, aster, poppy, and edelweiss… Really, Kakashi needed help on his arrangements, they clashed so bad… But he tried and that was all that ma-…

Iruka's smile fell off his face.

Rose.

Aster.

Poppy.

Edelweiss.

R.

A.

P.

E.

R. A. P. E.

Rape.

…

"THAT PERVERT!"

.

Naruto and Sasuke were walking down the hall… a seething, growling, hissing mass of Fangirls following behind them.

Someone, they knew, had suggested a SasuNaru Fanclub. That girl had been dragged away, screaming, and Naruto would never be able to forget the sound of evil, maniacal laughter as the girl disappeared. He had to wonder if he would ever see her again. Or, more importantly, if her parents would ever see her again.

He hoped against all hope for the sake of her life.

"Hn. As if I would couple up with _you_," Sasuke sneered. "You're too loud and obnoxious for my tastes. And you smell like ramen… Naruto?"

The blonde had stopped some feet behind him, staring at the ground. "Yeah… I mean, yeah! I totally agree, why the hell would I like _you_, huh? I definitely don't do guys!" He threw his arms back, folded them behind his head, and walked past Sasuke with his scalp in his hands. "And what's your problem with ramen?"

"NARUTOOOOO!" Something green crash-coursed into the blonde, much to the applause and enjoyment of the Fangirls, who were promptly silenced by Sasuke's glare.

Naruto had to wait a moment for reality to swirl back into place. Then he realized that that something green was also something very familiar. He scratched his cheek. "Bushybrow? What's your problem, dude?"

"Naruto – it's – he's – help!" Lee looked up at him with wild eyes. "I can't – he's following me – I want to – I can't! You understand, don't you?"

He wasn't sure how, but he actually did. The last time he had seen Lee like this, it had been because of a certain person.

He watched the redhead round the corner, Lee not noticing because he was too busy trying to dig a hole into Naruto's stomach and hide there. This must have been how the Japanese felt when Godzilla crawled out of the ocean. The fear, the inevitable "this is _not_ going to end well for _me_", the "I'm too young to die!"

Naruto gulped and wrapped his arms semi-protectively, semi-protecting-himself, around Lee's shoulders.

Sasuke tipped his chin in greeting. "Gaara."

"Sasuke."

Oh, great, Naruto growled to himself. They _knew_ each other. And they had about the same face too, the one where they could be thinking about killing or cuddling kittens and no one would ever know which.

Lee whimpered into his tummy and went dead still. Naruto wasn't sure if he thought that, by freezing, Gaara wouldn't notice him, or if he was trying to contain himself.

"Lee," Gaara said, and then between one breath and the next, Naruto wasn't sure what happened. When he focused in, it kind of looked like Gaara had ripped Lee away from, shoved a rose in his hand, and then kissed him like the only way he could survive was by living off of Lee's oxygen supply.

Naruto was a little confused about that last part because Gaara didn't seem like the sort of dude who would be inexperienced about this sort of thing. This wasn't the romantic "I want to be a part of you" kiss, but more the "I have no fucking clue what I'm doing, but, hey, this _must_ be doing _something_" attack of lips.

Everyone else, however, minus Sasuke, seemed stalled on the fact that they were kissing to begin with.

Sasuke Fangirls ran wild in every direction. Most of them had an alliance with a Fangirl of Gaara's. This was not going to fair well for any of them.

So Naruto and Sasuke watched, Naruto slowly becoming embarrassed by what he was seeing and Sasuke disgusted that his acquaintance wasn't even _trying_ to act like he had experience.

It was minutes later that it must have occurred to one of them that there was no air left to breathe. Lee pulled away with a gasp, panting and slapping a hand over his mouth as his face turned cherry red.

Gaara's ears were looking a little feverish too. "I know you don't like me –"

"Wait," Naruto hissed at Sasuke, "Gaara thinks Lee _doesn't_ like him?"

"– but I have been informed that persistence will get me what I want and I want you."

Naruto flinched. "Geez, he's hopeless."

Yeah, sure, the words were romantic. His tone was more or less "accept now or suffer later". Naruto was definitely confused as to what Lee saw in this guy.

But Lee didn't seem fazed… at least, not in the same way Naruto was. No, never… Instead, Lee started bawling as he launched himself into Gaara and they teetered over onto the floor. "GAARA! You've had me for nearly two years now!" He leaned down and, Gaara being winded, managed to control the next kiss. It looked much more comfortable than the first one. "I love you, Gaara Sabaku! And I will forever keep this rose as a symbol of our young relationship! YOSH!"

Someone slung their arm around Naruto's shoulders and he peeked out of the corner of his eye to see Kiba smirking at the new couple. "Wow, I never saw _that_ coming. Seriously, who'd have thought that stuck-up jackass would be going out with Mr. Nice Guy? Heh, wonder if they'll get their own Fanclub or if Lee'll be ran out of town."

"Geez, mutt, way to be optimistic."

"Dipshit."

"Dog breath!"

"G-guys?"

"Hinata!" Kiba chirped.

Sasuke nodded. "Hn."

Naruto scowled. "Bastard, say hello!"

"Idiot, say it yourself."

"You _asshole_!"

"G-guys!" Hinata twiddled her forefingers as the three men redirected to her. Gaara and Lee were having quite the make out session in the middle of the floor, Gaara getting into the rhythm of a true kiss and slowly taking over as he was prone to do with most things, that damn control freak. "Why a-are they…?"

Kiba beat Naruto to her side and cupped her face in his hands. "They're making out, Hinata! And I've got something else to say, NARUTO'S GAY!"

_GAY – GAy – Gay – gay – ay – y…_

The echo was terrifying. Sasuke blinked and swiveled around to stare at him as Hinata's face clouded with sorrow. Kiba suddenly seemed to realize that maybe that hadn't been the best approach, if his expression was anything to go by, and Naruto would have _killed that fucker_ if it wasn't for the fact that Sasuke was doing something weird with his eyes.

They almost looked red. And he was cornering Naruto, taking calm, measured steps as Naruto backpedaled away from him. "Is that true, idiot? Are you gay?"

"Y-yeah! What of it?"

"You're _gay_ and you didn't tell me?"

"Y'know, I don't have to tell you everything about me!" He wasn't sure where it came from, but there was a boy's bathroom and he was walking right into it. Someone at the urinal made sure to leave, zipper still down, the moment he caught sight of Sasuke's face. Naruto didn't blame him. He would have run too, except he was pretty sure now was too late.

His feet found a familiar path and he retreated into the handicap stall. Before he could slide the lock into place, the door bounced open and there was Sasuke Uchiha in all his glory… standing there… staring at him… smirking.

Yes, smirking. Smirking like he was planning on doing very, very, _very_ bad things. "It would have been nice if you told me _that_ earlier."

"Why?" He squeezed between the handle bar and the toilet, hoping that he could shove Sasuke into the commode before he got to him.

"We could have had fun a _long time ago_."

"What the hell does th-…"

Naruto didn't fall. Sasuke didn't fall. They weren't fighting… physically, at least. Or it wasn't that this had _started_ out as anything physical, but… The point was that this wasn't like the first time their lips accidentally smacked together.

This was completely on purpose and Sasuke seemed to have a basic idea of what the hell he was doing unlike Gaara out there. His tongue slipped between Naruto's parted lips and he followed and traced the dips and hollows of his mouth, quarreling with his tongue till they played together, fought together, and Naruto's muscle was forced to submit.

Oh, shit. They had just Frenchied.

And it wasn't even over yet!

Sasuke kept going, pulled back, nipped his bottom lip, came back, molested his mouth, pulled back and trailed a blaze of glory down his jaw and throat. His arms kept Naruto caged in, placed on either side of his head, and Naruto didn't even care.

He stared dazedly at the opposite wall, lips bruised and the taste of tomatoes and a winter breeze forever tattooed into his mind. "S-Sasuke?"

"We could have done _this_," the Uchiha growled, "so much sooner."

"… Yeah, you're right, I really should have come out earlier."

.

Kiba _really_ hadn't meant to say it like that, or scream it that loud actually. There had been words in his head, a certain explanation he was going to use to convince Hinata that Naruto was no good for her, _then_ he was going to tell her that Naruto was gay, and then he was going to finish off by putting down some heavy hints of how much he really wanted to be with her, for a lifetime, for a night, for a kiss, for a date, for _whatever she would give him_.

Hope had kind of tackled him from behind when he had seen her, though, walking in on the scene of Gaara Sabaku and Lee Rock smooching. He had thought to himself, "why the hell not? They're making out and that was supposed to be impossible, I bet Hinata actually _does_ like-like me somewhere deep down inside and it would make her feel a million times better if she knew that the guy she was _pretending_ to like actually wasn't interested in her."

Apparently, there was only one miracle per a day… two, if he counted the ShikaChou Fanclub. Hinata didn't look like she was relieved, she didn't look like she secretly like-liked Kiba way, way down in her heart, and he doubted she had been pretending.

Hinata stared down at her feet and Kiba had never felt like such an asshole before. "H-Hinata… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean… I didn't want… Aw, fuck, Hinata…"

The girl raised a hand, wiped her face, which he couldn't see for her bangs, and then slowly looked up at him with sad eyes. "No, it's okay… I would have had to learn at some point a-and it was nice to learn now and not… later…"

"Y-yeah, I guess… I guess that's a good way to look at it."

Hinata smiled softly. "You don't have t-to feel so bad."

"I guess…"

"No one e-ever really likes me like that," Hinata shockingly went on. Some distance behind Kiba, he felt Neji's rage freeze to surprise.

To think that the big bad cousin had been beating Hinata's self-esteem without even knowing it. That douche so totally deserved it. But Hinata… Hinata didn't.

"I s-should be used to it… Ever s-since middle school, my crushes w-would always stay really f-far away from me…"

Middle school, huh? That was about the time Neji started protecting his little cousin. Kiba threw a glare at him over his shoulder. The Hyuuga was obviously learning this for the first time. Kiba doubted he would have paused from throwing the plastic fork in his one hand if he had heard all of this before.

"I-I thought Naruto w-would be different… He n-never ran away…"

"Hinataaaaa!" The things he wanted to say… the things he wanted to _do_!

A hand cupped his shoulder. Neji smiled at Hinata. "Hinata, I want you to meet Kiba Inuzuka…"

.

Tenten couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You can't _actually_ think that you can break apart _gay_ couples for your own selfish reasons, _do you_?" Hinata and Kiba were something entirely different. No one dared bother them for fear of Neji and the fact that Kiba… Kiba believed in equal rights. If a girl wanted to get violent, he could get violent back. He didn't do special treatment.

"We can, and you can't stop us," Sakura said.

"This is for the best!" Ino echoed.

Other Co-captains nodded with them but none of them had half the powers of intimidation as those two and so kept their quiet.

Tenten grimaced. "But they all really like each other! If any of you really like your crushes, then you'll just leave them be!"

"Would you say the same thing if Neji turned out gay?"

Tenten knew for a fact he wasn't. She remembered that farrago day at the festival, at the pinnacle of the roller coaster commonly known as DEATH TRAIN, where she had leaned over and kissed Neji, trying to calm him down.

Neji was strong. But that didn't make him invincible. Tenten was scared of salamanders and newts. Neji happened to be afraid of spicy foods and roller coasters. It was okay.

Neji had sputtered and blushed and she had sputtered and blushed and then they had been screaming because the DEATH TRAIN could practically lead straight to Hell with that drop of its. By the time they had gotten off, Neji had thrown up twice and neither of them mentioned what had happened. They had yet to talk about it.

But Tenten knew that a gay guy wouldn't have reacted how Neji had.

They wanted an answer though, and she thought it over in the hypothetical sense that it _could_ happen. "I would… I would let him be happy with whatever guy he liked. Because I really do love him and I want him to enjoy his life, not be tied down to someone he doesn't want."

There was silence. Then her Co-captains dragged her away into the boiler room, followed by girl carrying her scissors. The Neji Fangirls were defined, after all, by their long hair.

Then, another moment gone past, there were screams.

.

The first thing Lee took notice of aside from the fact that _Oh my god, GAARA IS MY BOYFRIEND_ was Tenten, walking towards their table.

And he noticed her hair. "TENTEN! YOUR YOUTHFUL BUNS ARE BACK!" he squealed, and then paused. "Why is your cheek bruised?"

The girl smiled at them all. Her Fangirl badge was missing. "Oh, you know, I got into a fight… maybe gave a few haircuts… But it was nothing serious. I've decided that I really don't need to be a Fangirl to get what I want."

Neji, sitting two seats down from Lee, frowned.

He couldn't help but mirror Tenten's suddenly dangerous grin. Oh, so that was what his friend was doing? Good for her!

Tenten sauntered right up to Neji, plopped down in his lap, and said, "Remember that time on the DEATH TRAIN?"

The Hyuuga looked torn between being embarrassed about her being in his lap and reminiscing. He shuddered at last and Lee tried to think back to whatever incident Tenten was talking about.

He vaguely remembered a time or two where he had gone to the festival with the DEATH TRAIN operating. Oh, but one time, Neji had come off it after throwing up twice! That had been quite the night…

Finally, Neji's eyes widened and his mouth opened, about to say something – say something a little too late, obviously. Tenten kissed him hard and the table, after a moment's pause, erupted in applause.

Even Gaara gave clapping a try.

The Fangirls couldn't say shit.

.

For the sake of saving what little dignity they had left, let's call the two chickadees with the badges reading:

_MEMBER_

_of_

_IRUKA FANCLUB_

Thing One and Thing Two. They really were just trying to make sure that not _everyone_ represented by the Fangirls suddenly found true love and left them high and dry. Mostly, however, they wanted to know that Iruka didn't suddenly find true love and leave them high and dry.

Oh, yes, the teacher kept telling them he was married – to a man at that – but he never had any proof. He didn't wear a wedding ring, he kept his own last name, he never brought any gifts with him and, aside from the days where he was crankier than others, didn't really talk about his hubby.

He _had_ to be lying.

So Thing One peeked through the side window as Thing Two picked the locks. Thing One had to stop her and redirect her attention to what was going on inside the classroom.

Flowers were scattered across the ground and neither of them had to know what there names were to figure out what was going on. That was _definitely_ Iruka bent over his teacher's desk, hands flat on the surface, naked from the waist down.

That was _definitely_ a gorgeous man with him. However, he was also obviously _gay_ because Thing One and Thing Two couldn't think of a single straight person who would do _that_ to another straight person.

They stared, entranced, because they had never seen that expression on Iruka's face before, like he was torn between pleasure and pain, like his body wasn't his own, like he needed the man behind him for strength, like he wanted _more_ of what the man was giving him.

Thing One sported a nose bleed. Thing Two felt her cheeks get hot and something throbbed ominously between her legs.

And then, suddenly, the stranger looked up and saw them. He had a really pretty blue eye. A static fringe of hair covered the opposite one. And, for one reason or another, he was wearing a surgical mask.

Thing One and Thing Two retreated. Halfway down the hall, they were trying to remember the name of the man Iruka initially told them was his husband, because there was no doubting the truth now. _No doubting it_. And Thing One and Thing Two had just discovered that… well…

There were greater things in the world than having Mr. Umino for themselves.

Thus they hunted down their co-captains and explained in great, explicit, not-leaving-anything-out details why they should disband the Iruka Fanclub and support a new cause.

By Monday of the next week, there were girls walking around, proudly displaying badges of:

_MEMBER_

_of_

_KAKAIRU FANCLUB_

Iruka was somewhat pleased and somewhat not. On one hand, they weren't trying to seduce him anymore. On the other hand, they somehow knew about Kakashi sneaking out of the closet and attacking him last Friday in his classroom.


	4. All I Want For Christmas Is You

Sasuke and Itachi didn't really have anything worth mentioning at home. Sure, there was the entire Uchiha-fucking-_manor_ that was larger than life, but it had a cold feeling to it, full of bad memories, and it wasn't the place any self-respecting person would force the siblings to spend their Christmas at.

Or, more truthfully, it was the sort of place Kushina and Minato would force them _not_ to spend their Christmas at. Literally. Naruto was there as they tag-teamed and dragged the Uchihas out one at a time like some sort of rescue mission. They even wore protective gear.

And then, hog-tied in the back seat, they went to Naruto's house. The blonde felt kind of bad for what was happening… if he hadn't told his mom that Sasuke and Itachi didn't have a family, they most likely wouldn't have had to go through this. That didn't mean he regretted it, though.

Without any other sort of problem, they arrived and his parents commenced force-feeding Itachi and Sasuke. It took a few minutes before Naruto could convince them to untie them and let them feed themselves.

Itachi very calmly finished his plate, asked for seconds, finished that plate, asked for a hug from Kushina, and got it.

Then everyone realized what he had just asked and his mom blinked confusedly down at the head of black cuddled into her shoulder. "… AAAAWW! You're just so cute, aren't you? My son is so lucky to have you for a brother-in-law!"

Sasuke choked on ham and Naruto sputtered to a stop over his mashed potatoes. "MOM!"

"I see the chemistry, I know the signs~ arguing and making out and being bad, bad, bad! That was just how your father and I started out…"

Minato did a one-man toast with his eggnog. "Merry Christmas, everyone!"

Kushina very gently released Itachi and took her seat back.

A third plate went by. He asked for fourths. That plate was half-finished. He asked Minato for a hug.

Naruto got to see his dad cry a lot over sentimental things. But the last time he had seen him cry _this_ hard? … Two weeks ago. That made this a _pretty_ big deal.

"Why can't you be more like your brother?" Minato shot at Sasuke as he squeezed Itachi to him like he could absorb him. "Baby, my son, why don't you go out with Itachi…? …!"

They took a family photo together, the Uchihas and the Uzumakis.

In it, Itachi and Naruto stood to the side, grinning like evil-doers with arms linked together, and Sasuke took center stage being squashed in a sandwich hug by Naruto's parents, both in hideous Christmas sweaters and Santa hats, grinning like this had been all they had wanted for Christmas. And Sasuke, aside from looking somewhat murderous, almost looked borderline happy.

Naruto kissed his parents and Itachi on the cheek and Sasuke on the mouth. The Uchiha's arms came stealthily around him. "Merry Christmas," he breathed against Sasuke's lips, "everyone!"

The camera went off a second time. _Click_.

.

Iruka watched Kakashi rip into his present with the enthusiasm of a five-year old thinking that the world was to be found beneath wrapping paper. His blue eye was glimmering and sparkling and his mouth was turned into the widest, most hopeful grin Iruka had ever seen.

He remembered the first Christmas he had seen that grin. Actually, it had been the _second_ Christmas. The first Christmas around, he had still been pissed about being married drunk and, though Kakashi had tried, Iruka hadn't been at all cooperative at all. The second Christmas, however, had been after… after the feelings, after the first _sober_ night, after Iruka had realized that this… this could work. This could be beautiful.

And he had been nervous as anything because what could Kakashi Hayato possibly want for Christmas that _wasn't_ porn? He had learned something.

Kakashi didn't care what he got him. He could give Kakashi an empty box and he would put it on a pedestal. Iruka knew because he felt that an empty box would have been favorable over the tweed jacket he had given Kakashi that first year (yes, during the time period in which Iruka had wanted him to _suffer_). Kakashi wore it every day to work, the ugliest tweed jacket in existence, and he grinned every time he slid carefully into it.

The second year had been a two years' supply of hospital masks. The third year had been a provision of writing paper and a planner. The fourth year had been… had been… a horrendous tie. Kakashi didn't even _wear_ ties! How had he thought that would be a good idea?

Now it was the fifth time around and he could only hope… just _hope_ that he had done right.

At least he wouldn't feel pressured to put on the "presents" Kakashi got for him, that pervert.

The paper came flying off, the box was ripped apart, and Kakashi was left to stare at what was left. Iruka gulped.

"You…" Iruka was so weak. "You got me _porn_!"

.

Dinner had been a cool, controlled experience.

Now Tenten and Neji were left to curl up on the armchair in front of the fireplace, Hinata and Kiba somewhere else, and Tenten was sprawled over her boyfriend, smiling. "Merry Christmas, Neji."

"Merry Christmas, Tenten."

.

Kiba and Hinata were playing with Akamaru and his new bone. Kiba tackled Akamaru and Hinata would giggle and leap in with them.

Then, somehow, Akamaru and his bone disappeared from the equation. Kiba was flipped onto his back, laughing, and then he realized that Hinata was blushing over him as his dog panted to one side of her bedroom.

"K-Kiba… I'm s-s-sorry…" She was blushing so red, he wondered if she would pass out.

"N-no, it's, uh, it's okay," maybe. Maybe not. They weren't really going out, _going out_, it was more like they were testing the waters, deciding if this was what they wanted. Kiba knew for damn sure this was his greatest wish but Hinata wasn't him, Hinata had never been in a relationship before… or thought that she was wanted in a relationship before.

"Kiba…" Something entered her lilac eyes. It looked like determination. And then Hinata was leaning down and Kiba's heart stopped because his mind was flying and he thought, he hoped, he _wished_ she was going to do what he thought she was going to do –

And she did…

Hianta pulled away slowly, hands clenched in his shirt, and Akamaru barked excitedly. "M-Merry Christmas, K-Kiba…"

"Hinata… This is the best Christmas ever."

.

They had thought about having Gai, Kankuro, and Temari in the same house. Then, for the safety of the house, they had decided against it. They had thought about splitting the day between Lee's uncle and Gaara's siblings. Then they had realized that was a worse idea than spending the day together.

So they settled on renting a room at the local hotel and cuddling up together there. They had a small Charlie Brown tree on the table and, from their position on the bed, they watched the lights twinkle into and out of existence.

Gaara pressed a kiss to Lee's naked shoulder and his thumb feathered over the back of the hand he was holding. Lee sighed and smiled happily. "Mmmm… Gaara?"

"?"

"I love you, Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Lee." Lee heard the silent, un-added, "I love you too" that Gaara didn't have it in him to say.

Then someone knocked on the door.

Lee frowned. "Who could that be?"

Gaara hid his face in the junction of his neck and shoulder. "I don't know, I don't care, they can go away."

"Gaara! That isn't nice, if they took the time to come here, it _must_ be important."

"Or it could be our families."

They waited for a long, long moment. Then Lee shook his head. "No, it can not be _our_ families. Uncle Gai would never be so –"

Whoever had meekly knocked first was replaced by someone pounding on the door like it had personally insulted them. "LEEE! ARE YOU IN THERE? WE WANT TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH YOU TWO! WHY DID YOU TWO LEAVE? WE CAN GET ALONG! CAN'T WE GET ALONG?"

"Oh, GOD, shut _up_, Gai!"

"Geez, I hope there's alcohol in there…"

"Quiet…" Lee finished lamely.

"… I'm not getting up."

"Uncle Gai will break down that door if he has to, Gaara."

"I'm not getting up."

"We're _naked_!"

The silence was deafening.

Then, "GAAARAAAAA! HOW DARE YOU SULLY THE INNOCENCE OF MY BEAUTIFUL AND ONLY NEPHEEEEW!"

"Gaara, _please_ tell me that twinkie didn't top you!"

"_Fuck_, the things I _didn't_ want to know…"

Lee threw the blanket over their heads. "On second thought, maybe we should stay here… hidden…"

Gaara nodded and wrapped his arms around Lee. "Together."

"Together is good!"

.

Author's Note: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY READERS OF NARUTO! Love you guys _so_ much! And, yeah, I wrote this all through this week... This is my gift to all of you. Thank you all for being with me on the holidays.

Heh heh~ I got a hedgehog plush beanie baby~


End file.
